Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
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One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
That’s not how days work.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me