Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl