You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
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In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.