I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
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Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Stop.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
catch me on valentine’s day like
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
“We will wed,” I threatened
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.