I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
You Might Also Like
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Check your privilege
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*