Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
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Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
So that’s what we looked like?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up