Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
You Might Also Like
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
meanwhile over on facebook
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
u spoke cat all this time??????
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th