confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
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My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
britain’s three elite institutions
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.