The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
You Might Also Like
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Phones down.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*