her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
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Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
#parenting
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
What’s so funny?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Pigeon open mic night.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂