I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
❤️❤️❤️
When your best mate counts as a desk too
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off