Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
You Might Also Like
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.