My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
You Might Also Like
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history