*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
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Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?