Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
classic mixup
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.