Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
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I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*limbos away from your hug*
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood