Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Aw man, but that’s the best part
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
How do you milk an almond?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.