I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
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buys donuts instead
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…