Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
You Might Also Like
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.