If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
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Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule