Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
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I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true