Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
me
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex