When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
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[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?