*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Rooting for the overdog
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.