kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
You Might Also Like
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.