[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
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If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”