My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.