[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
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Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture