Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
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iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.