The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
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Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
ME (calling my horse with no name):
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.