‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
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*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Meeeee too!
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
the only organized thing in my life is crime