[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
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I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob