Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
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OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.