[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.