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GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan