there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —