Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
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I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?