Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
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[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.