Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
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I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.