I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
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Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Hank is one in a melon.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.