I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
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therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Beware of fowl play.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff