My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
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Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!