*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
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One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…