hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.