Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
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My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Pass gas, not judgment.
Worst Native American name ever.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.