DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
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This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
my mom making me talk to relatives
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.