The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
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what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Customize Your Wedding.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
accurate
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.