Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I am officially off the market馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of 蟺
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
馃
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!