My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.