[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
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Encore…
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Skills
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.